Chasing Cars

Let's waste time, chasing cars around our heads. Let's make this year last forever. I am not ready to let go, and I am not ready to leave. Play the piano one last time, and make me cry at C minor. Make me smile, make me laugh again. Take off my glasses in the rain, make me forget. Push me on the swing, one last time. Let's play the games we used to play, let's make-believe. Don't let me let go.

Bury me, bury me in the snow.
Keep me frozen, in december.

The beginning is the end is the beginning?

It's curious to think about the concept of creation. How the universe came into existence, why it came existence..
I find it preferable, not to mention comforting, to think that maybe nothing exploded at all. Maybe there was no Big Bang, or a lotus flower that opened up to give birth to Ra. Maybe nothing began.
What if, like the forever symbol dangling from a piece of black string on my wrist, everything is continuous?
Yes, we die, but the state of our consciousness, our chi, does not have to simply end. Maybe in an eternal cycle of being, we are transferred into another body, a host that, due to lack of mental capacity at the time of birth, causes us forget the previous life that we had lived.
Even if I were to become an insect, the concept of reincarnation is an idea I am willing to entertain.
I would like to remember this life though, to keep my memories as I continued to exist as someone or something else.
As for the question Why are we here?, is there any reason for us not to be?

Blocked

I no longer wish to stay in this country.

Today, they blocked this website, without giving an explanation or warning. They blocked Blogspot! What kind of an ideology drives people into doing such idiotic, senseless acts, I do not know.
I only feel pity to all those who believe that they achieve something by denying countless Turkish bloggers access to a medium in which they can express themselves.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin - Saturday Night Live

Jump

Are you ready?

The question voiced by Madonna rings in my ears, echoing, digital and vibrant.

It is a morbid poker that I play now, the cards of unknown players semi-visible, as though a twilight is cast upon the table.

I am alone here.

I know my cards, but I do not know if it's going to be enough.

The stakes rise with each breath I take. Shivering, I am seconds away from whispering "All in."

Am I ready?

23

If you had 23 seconds, and the power to have, make or create everything you could imagine, what would you do? Would 23 set you free, break your heart, give you closure? Would it make you smile, close your eyes or open them wide?

In other words, what do you want?

I want to be happy. Or rather, remain progressively so. I want to go to the James Bond islands, fly a plane, look at my fortune and make sense of it for once. I want to make sure that the people I care about are happy, truly happy. I want to kiss in the rain, then smile as water drops slide down my cheeks and lips. I want to windsurf to the Greek islands. I want to cry, really cry and release every single iota of pent up emotions that lie in a void inside my head.  I want to sing, and sing good. I want to play the guitar solo at the beginning of Daft Punk's Aerodynamic.

I want to paint bliss, even if it will leave ink marks on my fingers for weeks. I want to fly, to become a dandelion, and be free.

What do you want for your 23?

It begins..

It begins, it begins with a scream so loud you can't hear it. I'm spiraling down an abyss that I've been told has a light at the end. I want to dance, close my eyes and enjoy existing, not be limited to tests and sleep. I am not a score on a random scoreboard, I shouldn't be expected  to act as such. It begins tomorrow nevertheless.

I miss the rush now.

I miss the rush now. The blurred street lights, wild neons and a violent wind that forces me to close my eyes while I desperately try to keep them open. I want to see it all, everything that passes by, everything that is bright and jagged around me. I miss the sensation that I get somewhere inside when I'm lifted, and the absence of gravity is liberating. That blissful empty moment when I truly am no different than a speck of dust making its way into oblivion, no mass, no thoughts...

Then we hit the sea, and I'm reminded of reality as a cold, salty wave manages to hit me squarely in the face. I laugh, and try to dry my eyes so as to be able to see the passing boats and lights. The water is dark, ominous. White foams form, then disappear as we speed past. I can only hear the splashes now, and the wind. It's wonderful. I think it's the closest to freedom I can get. I can picture myself reaching out for it in my mind.

Close, but no cookie.

I miss the rush now.

One More Time

I want it again. I do. And I think I'm ready this time, no more leaps of faith, no more blindfolds. I need to trust myself and more importantly, allow myself to jump. I need to be able to let go, in spite of the fact that every fiber of my being refuses to do so ever since that grizzly november 3 years ago. I know now that I can get hurt, and that it's important that I do get hurt, because I am at a place right now that I wouldn't have been at otherwise. I love this moment, this moment when I'm sitting in my bed with my funky yellow t-shirt, Daft Punk thumping out of my laptop's speakers, a slight breeze gently lifting the leaves of the trees I can see the reflections of on my open window, this moment when everything's still.

A friend of mine said to me yesterday

"When it rains, it pours."

I have been waiting for it to rain. I am ready. And even though I have not seen a single drop, I feel a brilliant storm brewing somewhere, wild and sudden, perhaps a summer rain. The type that catches you off guard and makes you smile. Soaking wet, I want to run in the streets again. One more time.